day 2: free to choose

did you ever read something or hear a phrase and think, "maybe i should tuck that away. i'm not sure why, but it seems like that might be important in the future"?

recently i have experienced moments like this.  about a month ago i had just started a study of daniel with she reads truth  and one of the devotional titles was "and if not".  and within the text of the devotional was a line that said, "and if not, He is still good." for some reason that title and phrase stuck with me, so i tucked it away thinking maybe i was to share it with someone at some point.  then this weekend at the conference at the she reads truth table, they were giving away promises written out on little cards that we were encouraged to take.  the one i took read, "I am your God and I will walk beside you."  Though the verse on the card was about idols, the phrase stuck out to me, and i questioned what it meant.  foreshadowing? are you telling me something, Lord?

today i recognize the providence of the Lord and believe that He was in fact preparing me for something big.  today i sat in a doctor's office as they explained to mike and i that what we thought would be a normal pregnancy, is in fact anything but.  as we sat watching the screen prepared to see the image of our 9 week old baby, we stared with confusion as all we saw was an empty yolk sack.

this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise to us. we had not necessarily been trying, though we were ready for a second child whenever God chose to bless us.  we honestly did not expect it to happen the way it did, considering how it all went down the first time around.  (you can read about that here.)  i had been feeling quite anxious about the whole "trying" thing and felt such relief when i found out that i was pregnant.  "yes, thank you Jesus from saving me from all that!!"

but today my mind has been swirling with thoughts like:
"well, so much for that. guess i'll be riding the coaster again after all."
"i'm going on 35, not gonna get any easier."
"but 2.5 years would be a really great age gap."
"now i will have to change the kitty litter again."
"why can't we just get some answers?"

let me explain that last one.
you see, we actually have not been told, "mr. and mrs. rubin, i'm sorry, but you have lost your baby."  we have had 3 positive pregnancy tests and two ultrasounds and no conclusive answers.  tomorrow we will go back to get results from blood work, and i pray they can just say yes or no.  my gut tells me no, but they say if our dates are wrong, it could be yes.  (i am willing to bet on the dates, but nothing is impossible with God, right?)

today as i cried out to God in my confusion, i kept hearing, "i am your God and i will walk beside you." and though my heart was broken, i whispered back, "and if not, you are still good."

and the truth is, i believe it. i believe it with every fiber of my being because i know without a shadow of a doubt that He is good. so incredibly good.

we took a trip out to the lake today...again (it has come to be a very soothing & peaceful place for us as of late, so do not be surprised if you hear about it quite a lot during these 31 days, or see an abundance of pictures that seem to be taken in the exact same spot!) as i sat at a picnic table watching my son and husband toss rocks into the water, i put it in my earbuds to listen to a song that has become one of my favorites recently.  this is another one of those things that i tucked away, thinking, i might need this song sometime.  today it became my battle cry.

((forgive me for the poor quality of the video and spelling mistakes.  the video i wanted to use was not available))

**update: in case you view this via the mobile version, the video might not work. the song is "i breathe you in, God" by brian & katie torwalt if you would like to check it out!**

the part that spoke to my heart today says this:

"when i don't understand, i will choose you,

when i don't understand, i will choose you, God,

when i don't understand, i get to choose to love you, God."

today i choose to love Him, and 

today i choose to take His hand and walk in the freedom of believing that He is good.