Thursday, May 16, 2013

when i became a mom {part 2}

if you're just now tuning in, i'm sharing my journey to becoming a mom.  {you can check out part 1 here.} and if you've been sitting on the edge your seat waiting for the next installment, please forgive me for making you wait. sometimes i get a little distracted by life and get a little bit of blogging ADD. 

 here it is, the rest of the story:

now you have to understand that coming to the realization that i would have to accept God's plan over my whole plan was much easier said than done.  i knew in my heart this was what needed to be done, but convincing my head to let go of my plans.....let's just say, it didn't happen overnight.

in november of 2010, our pastor asked if i would be interested in preaching the message the day after christmas.  while extremely nervous about such a task, i felt as though God was preparing me for such a task as this.  He led me to a passage found in Mark 14 about a woman who annoints Jesus with perfume from her alabaster jar.  in studying this passage, i learned just how costly a sacrifice this was and began to feel the Holy Spirit stirring in my heart.  one night as i was working on my sermon, i began weeping knowing that God was asking me to make a very costly sacrifice. He was asking me to lay down my plans at His feet.  He was asking me to trust Him with my dreams.

He was asking me to trust him no matter what.

so that meant if His plan was that it would take us 2 more years to get pregnant, i would have to trust Him.  it meant that if i was not able to get pregnant & He led us to adoption, i should trust Him.  and in that moment, with tears streaming down my face, i relented. 

i was terrified of letting go, but ultimately i knew that it was what i had to do.  not because He was forcing me, of course.  i could have chosen to keep holding on, but i knew that the best place for me to be was in the center of His will.  

sunday came & i gave my message with both my family and mike's family there to support me & cheer me on.  during the sermon i shared with the congregation my testimony of our struggle to get pregnant and what had happened while writing the sermon.  it was very difficult, but again, i knew this was exactly what i was supposed to do.

 {the rubins & aleos december 26, 2010}

 the next morning we slept in and planned on just lounging around in our pj's watching movies all day.  for some reason though that morning, mike wanted me to take a pregnancy test.  i had plenty on hand because for the past 11 months i had planned on using quite a few!  so, just to appease him, i said, "sure why not?"  

three minutes later, we walked into the bathroom holding hands.  

never in a million years would we have expected to see this sight. 

yes, there were tears. yes, there was hugging. yes, there might have even been some jumping up and down.  and most certainly, most definitely there were "THANK YOU, GOD"'s!!!!!  i mean, can you even imagine our shock?  this definitely goes down in my book as one of the greatest God moments of my life thus far!  {the picture shows 2 tests because we were in so much shock we needed another verification and as soon as we got the results on that one, we called the doctor to go in to get verification from them too.}  

i'm sure you can imagine the shock of others as we began spilling the beans on our little secret.  like when we told mike's parents and they said, "but a few days ago you just told everyone at church that you weren't pregnant."  and we said, "we know, we had no idea!"  or when we told our connect group.  that night was great.  we were going around sharing prayer requests and mike and i said we had a praise.  someone blurted out, "are you pregnant?"  we just laughed, and everyone just started screaming and hugging us, also having all been there that sunday morning to hear my testimony.

it was, and still is, such a joy to share this story because the only explanation is God.  we continue to give Him glory for giving us this testimony because it just astounds us every time we think about it.  so many times i think about God looking down on us during that year with a very fatherly grin on his face, just sitting back saying, "you just wait.  oh my child, just wait to see what i have in store for you!"

it's such a great reminder that God's timing is perfect.  i'm currently doing a study of nehemiah through she reads truth. {we're only 3 days in & i highly recommend it! it's not too late to join in!} the other day the topic was waiting & most importantly, waiting on God. 

i loved this quote:

“Beloved, our great and pressing need today is to give ourselves to waiting upon God, 
because waiting time is never wasted time.”
~Ian Hamilton 

isn't it so true? maybe we don't see it while we are in the midst of that waiting time, but looking back, it's always so clear where God's hand was moving & how He was working.  and what it really boils down to is a radical trust in God that says, "ok, Lord, no matter what.  NO MATTER WHAT."  

i'm learning day by day, each time i glimpse at my son, my constant reminder of His faithfulness, that the waiting time is so worth it.  

Thursday, May 9, 2013

when i became a mom {part 1}

since we will be celebrating mother's day in a few short days, i thought it would be fun to share my very own "becoming a mom" story.  it's kind of a long one, but one in which i feel God's faithfulness and power truly shine.  so here's where it all began:

we decided to start trying to get pregnant in december 2009.  having only been married for 6 months, people thought we were crazy, but i didn't care.  i was 31 years old and was ready to be a mom....about 16 years prior to that!  ok, not really ready, but you see, being a mom is something i've longed for as long as i can remember.  my lifelong dream was always to get married and have kids.  there were times in my life that i probably wanted to get married as more of a means to an end: i needed to get married to have kids.  (i certainly don't feel that way now! i'm so very thankful for my husband!!)  but to be a mom was my greatest wish. 

 {the rubins 2009}

i was so excited about the idea of getting pregnant! how we would find out? how many pregnancy tests would it take? how would we do the "big reveal"? and of course, i thought because i wanted to be pregnant and we had done everything "right", it would just happen.

but God had other plans.

after a couple months of trying with no success, i was ok.  it had only been a couple months.  but i remember that by march i began asking a few trusted friends to pray for me because i could sense the anger starting to creep in, and i wanted desperately to keep it at bay.  months went by, and we continued to cry out to have this prayer for a baby answered, but it seemed our prayers were falling on deaf ears.  

one of those friends that i had turned to for prayer would check in with me from time to time, and in one of those conversations, he approached a subject that no one else had dared to ever bring up before.  he said that it could be possible that it wasn't God's will for me to get pregnant.  had it come from anyone else, it's possible i could've punched them in the face, but coming from him, it really made me think.  

what if God really did have other plans for me?

was i prepared for this? was i prepared to lay down my dreams of getting pregnant, of having my own baby?  did i have the strength to actually free this dream from my hands and lay it at the throne? nope, not yet!  no, this was my dream, and i was clinging to it with all of my might.  

a few more months went by, and it seemed that with each passing month, i would learn of someone else getting pregnant.  and to rub salt into the wound, it almost always was on the day i would find out that i was not pregnant.  after the third or fourth time, i fired out to God, "seriously? dig the knife a little deeper, why don't you?"  that anger i was trying to keep at bay, it was consuming me like wildfire.  i was scared to look at facebook for fear of reading someone else's announcement because my reaction was so severe, it would cause me to get a migraine.  

i became obsessed with getting pregnant. i would read article after article about all things pregnancy.  i could not keep my mind off of it.  and one day as i was getting ready for the day, i remember telling God, "i want this more than anything in my whole life." and i clearly heard Him say, 

"i want you to want me more than anything in your whole life."  

i felt like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me. i literally had to stop what i was doing and catch my breath.  

throughout this time i struggled with reading my bible and praying anything other than, "please let this be the month", but there was one day when i picked up my bible and began reading in psalm.  i happened upon this verse:

it was in the first part of this verse, i found a promise.  He was going to fulfill His purpose in me, and i truly believed that he made me to be a mom.  and whatever plans He had, i was going to have to be willing to accept them. 

stay tuned for part 2!