Thursday, May 9, 2013

when i became a mom {part 1}

since we will be celebrating mother's day in a few short days, i thought it would be fun to share my very own "becoming a mom" story.  it's kind of a long one, but one in which i feel God's faithfulness and power truly shine.  so here's where it all began:

we decided to start trying to get pregnant in december 2009.  having only been married for 6 months, people thought we were crazy, but i didn't care.  i was 31 years old and was ready to be a mom....about 16 years prior to that!  ok, not really ready, but you see, being a mom is something i've longed for as long as i can remember.  my lifelong dream was always to get married and have kids.  there were times in my life that i probably wanted to get married as more of a means to an end: i needed to get married to have kids.  (i certainly don't feel that way now! i'm so very thankful for my husband!!)  but to be a mom was my greatest wish. 

 {the rubins 2009}

i was so excited about the idea of getting pregnant! how we would find out? how many pregnancy tests would it take? how would we do the "big reveal"? and of course, i thought because i wanted to be pregnant and we had done everything "right", it would just happen.

but God had other plans.

after a couple months of trying with no success, i was ok.  it had only been a couple months.  but i remember that by march i began asking a few trusted friends to pray for me because i could sense the anger starting to creep in, and i wanted desperately to keep it at bay.  months went by, and we continued to cry out to have this prayer for a baby answered, but it seemed our prayers were falling on deaf ears.  

one of those friends that i had turned to for prayer would check in with me from time to time, and in one of those conversations, he approached a subject that no one else had dared to ever bring up before.  he said that it could be possible that it wasn't God's will for me to get pregnant.  had it come from anyone else, it's possible i could've punched them in the face, but coming from him, it really made me think.  

what if God really did have other plans for me?

was i prepared for this? was i prepared to lay down my dreams of getting pregnant, of having my own baby?  did i have the strength to actually free this dream from my hands and lay it at the throne? nope, not yet!  no, this was my dream, and i was clinging to it with all of my might.  

a few more months went by, and it seemed that with each passing month, i would learn of someone else getting pregnant.  and to rub salt into the wound, it almost always was on the day i would find out that i was not pregnant.  after the third or fourth time, i fired out to God, "seriously? dig the knife a little deeper, why don't you?"  that anger i was trying to keep at bay, it was consuming me like wildfire.  i was scared to look at facebook for fear of reading someone else's announcement because my reaction was so severe, it would cause me to get a migraine.  

i became obsessed with getting pregnant. i would read article after article about all things pregnancy.  i could not keep my mind off of it.  and one day as i was getting ready for the day, i remember telling God, "i want this more than anything in my whole life." and i clearly heard Him say, 

"i want you to want me more than anything in your whole life."  

i felt like i had gotten the wind knocked out of me. i literally had to stop what i was doing and catch my breath.  

throughout this time i struggled with reading my bible and praying anything other than, "please let this be the month", but there was one day when i picked up my bible and began reading in psalm.  i happened upon this verse:

it was in the first part of this verse, i found a promise.  He was going to fulfill His purpose in me, and i truly believed that he made me to be a mom.  and whatever plans He had, i was going to have to be willing to accept them. 

stay tuned for part 2!

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