processing thoughts & a heavy heart.

for the last several days i have been feeling weighed down by a very heavy heart. 

i have been burdened by the circumstances by so many people around me as well as circumstances in my own life. 

my general tendency is to internalize my thoughts, suppress my feelings & move on.  

i don't tend to share much of what is happening or what i'm feeling.

there are a lot of times i don't even bother to find a root cause or try to understand my feelings because it might be a bit too overwhelming.

or it might mean that i have to change something, and i'm pretty comfortable where i'm at.

 but today all i could think to do was get my thoughts on paper and sort through them to find out what God is trying to teach me or show me because the weight of these burdens seems too critical to just brush under the rug to forget about.

i'm burdened today as i watch a family member losing their grip on any shred of hope that there is something left in this life for them.

i listen as they believe a lie that this world would go on just fine without them.

i struggle with feelings of helplessness as all i feel like i can do is pray.

and though i know i believe our God answers big prayers, it's so hard to just sit back and wait.

i'm heavy hearted today because i joined in an army of prayer warriors from across the globe who stormed the gates of heaven for a desperate family only to receive news that they did not receive the miracle their hearts had been aching for and lost their precious baby, the third in the last year. 

i'm burdened today because my husband works multiple jobs just so we can stay afloat & he's tired.

and sometimes it would be so nice if we could just forget about the balance in our checking account to complete projects that need to be completed around the house or take a trip somewhere because we feel like it. 

i'm nervous about the process of trying to have another baby because i remember all too well what the last time was like, and most days, i'm not sure i want to endure that emotional roller coaster again.

 {and can i add that while typing this post, my computer decided it would be a good time to die on me. ugh!}

i know we serve a very mighty & powerful God.

i have tasted & seen that He is GOOD.

i also know that His ways are not our ways & His thoughts are not our thoughts.
and i don't just know them, i believe them.

but it's in times like these that my heart just doesn't understand.

we headed out to the lake this morning to get out of the house & it was here that God began to whisper to me and soothe the unrest in my soul.

it was here that God reminded me that in these times i am to remember that this world is not my home & i need not get too comfortable in it. 

He reminded me that i need to cling to the truth that his love is deeper than the deepest holes left in our hearts when we suffer loss.

His promises are true even when we can't see past the tears clouding our vision.  

His grace is sufficient and never, ever expires.

    

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

{John 16:33} 

twice this morning in two different places i read john 10:10, which says,

 ^" The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

and i thought, yeah, and he's sure doing a really good job.

but immediately, in my head i began singing the following lyrics:

the enemy has been defeated

death couldn't hold you down
gonna lift our voice in victory
gonna make our praises loud 

yes, the enemy has been defeated & he's got nothing on my Jesus.

so, what do i need to do?
make my praises louder.
continue to cling to His promises.
cast my cares on Him.
find rest in Him.
never stop praying.

today i am reminded that our God is fighting for us always and we are not alone.
as He sings and dances over us, He is working out a marvelous plan for our lives, and with that, i raise my heavy heart to Him and ask Him to have His way.

the beach.

i am convinced that when God created this great big world, he designed it with us in mind.  

there's a place for everyone to find complete satisfaction while breathing in the air of their happy place, wherever that place might be. 

maybe for some, it's high in the mountains where the air is crisp & clean, where you are shaded beneath a canopy of trees.

maybe for some it's floating in a boat out on a pristine lake with fishing pole in hand.

for me, that place is most definitely the beach.

there's something about being at the beach that fills me to overflowing.

i could sit for hours with a good book, toes in the sand, listening to the waves crash onto the shore.
it is so completely refreshing to me.

we got to spend a few days at the beach recently with mike's family to celebrate his dad's birthday.
this trip was special in a lot of ways, but one of them, for us was to watch eli find joy on the beach.
we were so happy {and a bit relieved} when he not just got his toes in the sand, he dug down deep and raced with giddiness.
it didn't take him long to dip his toes in the water, then advance a little further and a little further, till he just plopped right down and allowed the water to wash right over him.

we were blessed by the fact that the beach was basically empty & the water incredibly calm to allow him to get acquainted with what his parents deem as one of the greatest places on earth!

mike's dream is to one day own a beach house.

maybe.....someday.

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where do you find refreshment in this great big world?