Day 3: free to be weak

{joining in with the nester in the 31 days blogging challenge. you can check out other topics here!}

this may or may not come as a surprise to you, but i like to be known as a strong person.  it is so very true.  i spent the majority of my 20s as a single woman who prided herself in being "miss independent" ((you know, destiny's child: "all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me")). oh yes, this was my anthem.

don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with independence, but the issue for me was that it was my anthem in all of life, including my relationship with God.  to me, strong people were in control, and therefore, as far as i was concerned, i was in control.  it wasn't so much an attitude of "i'll do what i want when i want, and no one can tell me what to do." i wasn't a brat about it.  ok, maybe sometimes.  but i'd say it was more of an appearance thing. as long as i appeared to have everything in control, i was golden.

so if it came time to get vulnerable with people, i struggled.  to me, vulnerable = weak = not for me.  i was strong and strong people are certainly not allowed to be weak and therefore, not allowed to be vulnerable. i'm not saying it never happened, but for the most part it was out of my comfort zone.  i did not want to appear needy, i didn't want to burden people. it just seemed easier to wear the mask. this in turn became evident in my relationship with God as well.

the truth is i have always been a very sensitive person.  i remember backing down from many conversations or fearing any type of confrontation because i could not get through these situations without crying and blubbering and looking like a weirdo.  i always got my feelings hurt very easily, and it really didn't take much to set me off.  i had a very difficult time standing up for myself because i felt really stupid crying about just about anything, so my MO became "stuff it and stew".  i would just stuff down all those emotions and stew over it for a time without anyone ever being the wiser.  and after years of operating in this fashion, my need to be a strong woman was born.

i was portraying exactly who the world told me to be, but i knew deep down inside this was not who God called me to be.  i felt trapped by living under false pretenses, but it was the only way i really knew how to live.

this past weekend i heard the following statement:

"stop covering up with false fig leaves - you don't have to fear discovery."

it was one of those moments that stops you in your tracks and you feel as though the statement was made specifically for you.  you know what i'm talking about, right?  the rest of the weekend  i sensed the Lord showing me that being willing to be vulnerable is, first of all, not a sign of weakness as i had personally defined it, and secondly, being willing to be vulnerable is a sign that one is walking in freedom.  

so in my quest to learn to walk in freedom, i am learning to step out of my comfort zone.  i am learning to transform my former way of thinking and claim the following verse to be truth in my life. 

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9 

day 2: free to choose

did you ever read something or hear a phrase and think, "maybe i should tuck that away. i'm not sure why, but it seems like that might be important in the future"?

recently i have experienced moments like this.  about a month ago i had just started a study of daniel with she reads truth  and one of the devotional titles was "and if not".  and within the text of the devotional was a line that said, "and if not, He is still good." for some reason that title and phrase stuck with me, so i tucked it away thinking maybe i was to share it with someone at some point.  then this weekend at the conference at the she reads truth table, they were giving away promises written out on little cards that we were encouraged to take.  the one i took read, "I am your God and I will walk beside you."  Though the verse on the card was about idols, the phrase stuck out to me, and i questioned what it meant.  foreshadowing? are you telling me something, Lord?

today i recognize the providence of the Lord and believe that He was in fact preparing me for something big.  today i sat in a doctor's office as they explained to mike and i that what we thought would be a normal pregnancy, is in fact anything but.  as we sat watching the screen prepared to see the image of our 9 week old baby, we stared with confusion as all we saw was an empty yolk sack.

this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise to us. we had not necessarily been trying, though we were ready for a second child whenever God chose to bless us.  we honestly did not expect it to happen the way it did, considering how it all went down the first time around.  (you can read about that here.)  i had been feeling quite anxious about the whole "trying" thing and felt such relief when i found out that i was pregnant.  "yes, thank you Jesus from saving me from all that!!"

but today my mind has been swirling with thoughts like:
"well, so much for that. guess i'll be riding the coaster again after all."
"i'm going on 35, not gonna get any easier."
"but 2.5 years would be a really great age gap."
"now i will have to change the kitty litter again."
"why can't we just get some answers?"

let me explain that last one.
you see, we actually have not been told, "mr. and mrs. rubin, i'm sorry, but you have lost your baby."  we have had 3 positive pregnancy tests and two ultrasounds and no conclusive answers.  tomorrow we will go back to get results from blood work, and i pray they can just say yes or no.  my gut tells me no, but they say if our dates are wrong, it could be yes.  (i am willing to bet on the dates, but nothing is impossible with God, right?)

today as i cried out to God in my confusion, i kept hearing, "i am your God and i will walk beside you." and though my heart was broken, i whispered back, "and if not, you are still good."

and the truth is, i believe it. i believe it with every fiber of my being because i know without a shadow of a doubt that He is good. so incredibly good.

we took a trip out to the lake today...again (it has come to be a very soothing & peaceful place for us as of late, so do not be surprised if you hear about it quite a lot during these 31 days, or see an abundance of pictures that seem to be taken in the exact same spot!) as i sat at a picnic table watching my son and husband toss rocks into the water, i put it in my earbuds to listen to a song that has become one of my favorites recently.  this is another one of those things that i tucked away, thinking, i might need this song sometime.  today it became my battle cry.

((forgive me for the poor quality of the video and spelling mistakes.  the video i wanted to use was not available))

**update: in case you view this via the mobile version, the video might not work. the song is "i breathe you in, God" by brian & katie torwalt if you would like to check it out!**

the part that spoke to my heart today says this:

"when i don't understand, i will choose you,

when i don't understand, i will choose you, God,

when i don't understand, i get to choose to love you, God."

today i choose to love Him, and 

today i choose to take His hand and walk in the freedom of believing that He is good.  

31 days

as some of you may know, i just returned home from the influence conference.  i had an amazing experience, and though i am still processing my experience, one thing i felt the Lord was laying on my heart was to write more.  i have this blog, my own little space on the internet, and i struggle with finding time to really use it.  for a while i struggled with whether i should keep it going, but it was pretty clear to me this weekend that i am in fact supposed to keep it going.

i had recently heard about a blogging challenge from some of the influence girls hosted by the nester. it's called 31 days and basically is a challenge to choose a topic that you would blog on for the entire month of october.  wonderful for people who actually put time into their blogs.  seemingly impossible for someone like me who say wrote her last post over a month ago, right? yep, exactly what i was thinking.  until this morning.

when i felt the Lord impressing on me to take part in this challenge, i thought, there is no way.  there is no way that i could blog everyday.  i have nothing to talk about for 31 days.  who in the world wants to read my blog for 31 days?  excuse after excuse after excuse.

the idea of walking in freedom has been bouncing around in my head for quite some time and became a bit louder after this weekend.  what i sensed the Lord saying to me was the reason you don't want to take part in this is because of fear.  you're afraid of what others will think, you are afraid of failure, and perhaps, you are even afraid of what might be revealed in that time.  This, this fear, that is the opposite of walking in freedom.  This fear is something that has held you back your whole life, and it's time to let go and do some walking towards freedom.

so here i am making a list of all the things that cause fear to rise up in me and sorting out what it means to walk in freedom.

i invite you to join me on this journey.  throughout this time i hope to share my experiences at the conference and how this weekend impacted me.  i believe God is going to be doing a lot of work, and i look forward to sharing that with you too.