Day 3: free to be weak

{joining in with the nester in the 31 days blogging challenge. you can check out other topics here!}

this may or may not come as a surprise to you, but i like to be known as a strong person.  it is so very true.  i spent the majority of my 20s as a single woman who prided herself in being "miss independent" ((you know, destiny's child: "all the women who are independent, throw your hands up at me")). oh yes, this was my anthem.

don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with independence, but the issue for me was that it was my anthem in all of life, including my relationship with God.  to me, strong people were in control, and therefore, as far as i was concerned, i was in control.  it wasn't so much an attitude of "i'll do what i want when i want, and no one can tell me what to do." i wasn't a brat about it.  ok, maybe sometimes.  but i'd say it was more of an appearance thing. as long as i appeared to have everything in control, i was golden.

so if it came time to get vulnerable with people, i struggled.  to me, vulnerable = weak = not for me.  i was strong and strong people are certainly not allowed to be weak and therefore, not allowed to be vulnerable. i'm not saying it never happened, but for the most part it was out of my comfort zone.  i did not want to appear needy, i didn't want to burden people. it just seemed easier to wear the mask. this in turn became evident in my relationship with God as well.

the truth is i have always been a very sensitive person.  i remember backing down from many conversations or fearing any type of confrontation because i could not get through these situations without crying and blubbering and looking like a weirdo.  i always got my feelings hurt very easily, and it really didn't take much to set me off.  i had a very difficult time standing up for myself because i felt really stupid crying about just about anything, so my MO became "stuff it and stew".  i would just stuff down all those emotions and stew over it for a time without anyone ever being the wiser.  and after years of operating in this fashion, my need to be a strong woman was born.

i was portraying exactly who the world told me to be, but i knew deep down inside this was not who God called me to be.  i felt trapped by living under false pretenses, but it was the only way i really knew how to live.

this past weekend i heard the following statement:

"stop covering up with false fig leaves - you don't have to fear discovery."

it was one of those moments that stops you in your tracks and you feel as though the statement was made specifically for you.  you know what i'm talking about, right?  the rest of the weekend  i sensed the Lord showing me that being willing to be vulnerable is, first of all, not a sign of weakness as i had personally defined it, and secondly, being willing to be vulnerable is a sign that one is walking in freedom.  

so in my quest to learn to walk in freedom, i am learning to step out of my comfort zone.  i am learning to transform my former way of thinking and claim the following verse to be truth in my life. 

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

2 Corinthians 12:9